I was going out with a wonderful man. He was generous and caring and had a great sense of humor. He treated me well and attended to my every need. Every time a fear surfaced about how quickly things were moving, I smoothed it over with a shrug or a hug or a reminder of how lucky I was to have found someone with whom to share my life. My logical mind told me that he was perfect, that I was self-sabotaging, and that I was afraid of commitment. Yet another part of me questioned the depth of my feelings for him.
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In theory this is easy, but in reality it can feel almost impossible. What if you never find better? You can stay stuck in the wrong relationship for months, even years, sitting on the fence, unable to move in one direction or the other. People act as though being alone is the worst possible thing, but I beg to differ. Being stuck in the wrong relationship is a much worse fate, a worse kind of being alone. I believe the amount of heartbreak you experience when it inevitably ends is in direct proportion to how long you allowed things to drag on. Breakups are hard enough already, but when you add the element of mourning the loss of all the time you wasted, time you can never get back, then getting over a breakup can be unbearable.
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The words had been on my mind for weeks, months maybe. Maybe he said nothing. Either way, he brushed it off and pretended like the words I said had never happened at all. That was during year three, two years before the breakup would actually happen.
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